Coming Soon- How to Earn 30-70K in Security, Without a Degree

Make 30-70k In Security

This book is not for you if you enjoy horrible working conditions for minimal wages. It cannot help you if you really believe that Security Professionals are actually nothing more than “Rent-A-Cops”, or that you need years of experience to succeed.

 

This book is not for you if being the butt of joke from your friends about working as a Security Guard. If you don’t mind riding the bus while in uniform just to get to your job site, then this is not a book that can help you.

 

If you enjoy protecting lives and millions of dollars worth of equipment while only making minimal wage then continue what you are doing and leave this book on the shelve. If working for a company that will not provide you with the equipment and training to do the job is your idea of success then you do not need this book.

 

If you are ok with Hollywoods potrayal of security in movies such as “Mall Cop” then you shouldn’t read this book. If you have resigned your fate to working in a parking lot dealing with heat and fumes and do not want to get a better security job, then this book is not the answer.

 

Now, for those of you who want to actually get paid for what you are worth, get prepared because this book was written to show you exactly how to make this dream a reality.

 

Discover these secrets and more:

 

How to land just about any Security Job you apply for.

 

Which Companies are the best to work for and why.

 

How working in one certain area of security will put you on the fast track to success.

 

How to get free training that you can utilize to make more money and move up.

 

Which companies you can transfer positions from coast to coast or overseas.

 

How to get a position on the famous Las Vegas Strip by meeting one special lady.

 

How to turn in your uniform and make more money working undercover.

 

How to turn your Security knowledge into you own Security Company for less than you think.

 

These are just a few of the Secrets you will learn about Security that are inside this book. If you are tired of working tons of overtime just to make ends meet, then this book is for you. In order to earn a good wage, you have to work smarter, not harder. Right?

 

What if you suddenly knew where to position yourself so that employees contacted you instead of the other way around for security positions? Wouldn’t that make things a whole lot easier?

 

How would you like to know which security position that could net you 30-70K per year, starting tomorrow? Yes, this position exists and it can be your if you know where to look for it.

 

I’ve been in the Security career field for over 20 years and trust me when I say that things have changed. Especially when it comes to compensation. In 1987 after getting out of the US Air Force, my first job in Security paid me a whopping $6.00 per hour. To make matters worse, I lived in Hawaii and anyone who has ever lived there will tell you that $6.00 will not go very far on the Islands, even in the late 80’s.

 

During this time I had to make a decision, the one I made turned out to be a good one and that is why all these years later I am still working in Security. I chose not to go into Law Enforcement when I discovered that 2 years later I was earning almost the same as rookie police officers.

 

I’ve worked as a Guard, Loss Prevention, Investigations, Consulting, Force Protection and other areas within the career field. I’ve loved every minute of it and just like you, there have been times when I’ve doubted my decision to get into security. However, I perservered and moved forward and up the ladder of success in this field. You can too!

 

I’ve taken proven steps that I have utilized throughout my career and I’ve put it inside this book in laymen terms so that anyone can read it and make the proper adjustments to succeed, if they really want to. That’s what it really takes, commitment and determination to acheive a goal, just like iin every other aspect of life.

 

I’ve helped many young officer and even seasoned officers over the years to move up to make their share of the unlimited amounts of income in security. Will you be next?

 

Real Testimonials:

 

I haven’t read the book yet, but I plan to buy it anyway. Over the years Mike has assisted me in obtaining several high paying security jobs, to include one in the Middle-East. He told me exactly what to do and following his instructions I was given a position in Kuwait that I had no previous experience for, while there I was properly trained and I excelled at it. I earned over seventy thousand dollars per year while I was there. Thanks Mike, my family and I are still in your debt for your assistance with that one.

 

J. L. Turner, jlt232@yahoo.com

 

Mike found me working in a restuarant and convinced me that as a woman I could make a whole lot of money working in Loss Prevention. I had no experience and didn’t even know what asset protection was, let alone what they did on the job. But, I trusted his judgement and accepted his guidence and by simply taking the position I got a pay raise from the amount I was making serving food. Today I’ve parlayed the experience I obtained in LP to a great position with TSA.

 

Jane Malonzo, Las Vegas

 

The first time I met Mike I was working on the loading docks at a retail company. We talked and he asked if unloading trucks was my idea of success? A few months later I was working with him, learning how to conduct surveillance on foot. He taught me everything I needed to know about working Asset Protection. The thing I like the most about him is that he always pushed me to move up in the career field. Now, 4 years later I am a District LP Manager. Had I not met him this would never have been possible, I am sure. So if his new book has half of what he taught me, the sky is the limit for anyone who wants it.

 

Tim Mosley, Flint Michigan

 

These are just a few of the letters I have receieved from Officers that I have helped over the years. I enjoy working with people who want to learn and have goals in life. Hopefully you will be one of them in the future.

 

*** Book is scheduled to be released 14 June 09***

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The tale of the $6.00 Security Guard

Once, I worked as a guard for a company that had a Government contract.  It was really easy, but the pay was lousy.   I made $6.00 per hour.  Every day, I’d get the paper when I got off and look for another job.  The guys I worked with thought I was crazy. 

             Late night, we’d stand around and talk.  They were basically happy making peasant wages.  Not me, every night, I’d tell them I was getting out of here the first chance I got. 

            Guys would ask me, “Where you going to go and make more money than this working security?” 

             I’d tell them I was worth more than six bucks; I was going to find a job for at least twice that.  They’d all laugh and say, “There are no $12.00 jobs in security,” and that I should stop dreaming and get back to work.

            Then one morning, just about the same time I got into bed after the night shift, the company I worked for called.  The personnel lady informed me that my security clearance papers hadn’t been filled out properly and they wanted me to come in right then and correct them so they could conduct the background check.

            Now, I’m not a fool; I knew that this clearance was going to cost them at least ten thousand dollars and they wanted to pay me six fucking dollars.  I told the lady that there wasn’t a whole lot I’d do for six dollars, and getting out of bed to drive thirty minutes to fill out a form was one of the things I would not do.  I hung up the phone.

            When I got back to work that night, the supervisor came to me and inquired about the forms.  I told him the same thing I’d told the lady on the phone.  Then the asshole asked me why I had to be so belligerent.  At that moment, I gave my two weeks’ notice. 

              Later, we were outside having our normal talk, and all the other officers again told me there were no twelve dollar jobs, and that the company we worked for was a good company, and that I should go fill out the form and stay. 

               I did my two weeks and told them all to take care; I was going to find me a good paying security job. 

              The next day, I landed a job for $13.00!  I worked for a couple of months and, one day, I was on my way home from work when I decided to stop in and check on my old friends.  I pulled up and they all came out and asked how things were going. 

               I explained how I had landed a new job and what it paid.  They all got excited and I told them that there were no more thirteen dollar jobs, I got the last one.  Before I left, I also informed them I was waiting on my weapons permit and that I was in line for another job that paid eighteen dollars an hour.  They almost went into shock.  I laughed all the way home.

               Several months later, after I had started working my new job, I dropped by to check on them again.  This time, I was driving a shiny new 300ZX.  I pulled up and they didn’t have a clue who the fuck I was.  They all stood there looking to see who was in the car.

           I got out and they almost fainted.  I told them about my latest job and its eighteen dollar pay, and they almost shit.  They wanted to know how they could get a position at the new place. “Sorry,” I told them, “they have no more eighteen dollar positions.  I got the last one.” 

            But, before I left, I couldn’t help but explain to them about the new position I had accepted.  I’d taken a position overseas that paid a whopping seventy thousand dollars!  They couldn’t believe it. 

            The moral to this story is, if you feel like six bucks is all you’re worth, then six dollars is all you’ll ever get.

“Observe and Report” Book Trailer

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“When asked how did I created such an interesting book about Security, I simply tell people… I took the approach of creating a car wreck. Everyone looks as they pass by (rubbernecking), to recreate this effect for Security I removed the mundane from the job and let the officers tell about the exciting and interesting events of their profession. Events that contain humor, drama, excitement, horror and humility. The readers of my book love this, short to the point stories that keep you entertained. Most readers say that once they pick this book up they simply cannot put it down.” M. Oden

Why I arrested my best friends girlfriend….

One of our LP managers had a problem with an employee who was ripping off merchandise on Saturdays, which happened to be the manager’s day off. When I found out about it, I asked her why she didn’t call me so I could come in and take care of it. Well, the girl in question was the girlfriend of my best friend, and he himself was a LP manager at one of our other stores. I explained that I didn’t have a problem with it and she’d be treated like any other suspect. The case became mine.
The first Saturday, I came in and positioned myself in a tower behind a display so that I’d have a clear view of her department all day. Well, that didn’t work because all hell broke lose during the shift. The first major call I got was a customer attempting to walk out the store with some comforters that he hadn’t paid for. I caught his ass on the escalator, tall ass brother with two expensive comforters and no store bags. I jumped on the escalator behind him and gently whispered something to the effect that, if, he attempted to leave the store without paying for the merchandise, he’d have to deal with me. He never said a word, never turned around. When the escalator got to the bottom, he dropped the merchandise on the floor and headed straight out the door. First crisis over!
I got back into position. As soon as I was settled, I got a call that a customer had a gun. Damn! I left my perch and went to check on the situation. I got to the department just as the guy was exiting the store. The department manager walked with me, telling me what the guy had said and done in the department. Not his lucky day. I walked outside and the first cop that came by, I relayed the info to him. They picked his dumb ass up for aggravated assault. By the time everyone had finished with their statements, the day was over. The girl I came to watch, she smiled and waved on her way out the door. I swear, I couldn’t remember, but, I thought those sunglasses she had on belonged to us. Oh well, one thing about a successful thief, they are like satisfied customers. They always come back.
The next Saturday, I met her when she entered the store. I walked her to her department so I could make a mental note of everything she had on and in her possession. I instructed store management that I was working on an internal case; I was not to be disturbed unless it was absolutely necessary. The first couple of hours in my perch were boring. The fun started when the girl working with her in the department went on a break. She made her way over to the costume jewelry counter and removed a pair of earrings. She did the whole bit and placed them beside her ear while looking into a mirror. No doubt, she was looking for me. She then removed the earrings from the backing and put them on. I had to admit they looked pretty good on her. She then put the backing in the drawer under her register.
Later, she walked into the women’s clothing department, next to where she worked, and selected a pink jacket. She took it back to her department and put it on. When she tried on that jacket, everything clicked. I knew then what was different when she left the store the week before. It was a tan scarf. I didn’t notice it when she left because I was so busy, but I could see it vividly in my mind. Also, it didn’t hurt that the same scarf was hanging in the department next to where she got the jacket.
So what she’d do was, the day before, select the items she wanted to steal. She’d wear something that would match the item she was going to take and no one would notice because it didn’t come from her department anyway. She put that pink jacket on, and I swear, it matched her outfit perfectly. My heart started beating fast, especially when she started looking for scissors to cut off the tag. When she couldn’t find a pair in her department, she simply tucked the tag inside the sleeve.
Everything was cool until the girl working with her came back from break. She said something about the jacket, probably about how pretty it was on her, and my suspect began twirling around in front of the mirror like she was a customer. I knew, at that point, she couldn’t take the jacket because the other girl had commented on it. Damn. But I still had the earrings to hope for.
It’s funny, if you ever go into a loss prevention office, watch the officers work, we go into this cheerleader mode and we become the little voice in the suspect’s head whispering, “Come on, take it, please, nobody will know, nobody.” All the time, we’re rooting for people to fuck up so we can catch them.
Finally, my suspect went on her lunch break which meant she was probably going to be exiting the building. When she went to clock out, I went into her department and retrieved the backing from the earrings.
When she was leaving the building, I managed to run into her but I made no mention of her new earrings. Actually, I could have arrested her as soon as she left the facility with the merchandise. But, management was a little soft and they might believe her story that she’d tried them on and forgot to remove them before she went to lunch. However, when she returned and I faked going to lunch, the earrings mysteriously disappeared.
Now, all I had to do was watch her for the rest of the shift to insure she didn’t try to put the item back without my knowledge. This would be rather difficult since I now had the backing in my pocket.
After a while, I started rooting for her to put the items back, but with less than twenty minutes to go before closing, I didn’t think she would. Damn. Even though I’ve arrested employees before, this one was going to be hard. This was my best friend’s girlfriend; she’d even been to my house, met my girlfriend. Damn. I do have a bit of a conscience.
Shit! I picked up the phone, called my friend, told him the situation, and informed him that I could go downstairs and tell her to give the earrings back and there would be no harm and no foul, or the other option was, I could treat her like all the rest of our suspects and bust her. It became his decision. He didn’t even think about it, he said, “Do your job, bust her dumb ass!”
She exited the store, said goodbye to me and the store manager (who didn’t have a clue what the hell was going on). I followed her outside and arrested her. She cried like a baby. Then, she begged me not to tell her boyfriend and pleaded with me to pick her up from the police station so she didn’t have to call him or her family to get her. I felt bad but I had to explain to her that I couldn’t pick her up because it’d be a conflict of interest. So I told her to call my girlfriend and she’d pick her up from the station.
That was one of the toughest things I had to do in my early years in LP. As for my friend, it didn’t bother him at all. He broke up with her that same day; he told me it was disrespectful for her to be stealing when she knew what he did for a living.

How a Security officer got fired on his day off

Just like any other job, working security is no different. We’ve all
worked along side some strange and interesting people, however in
security at times I think we get the abundance of them.
Everyone of us has at one time or another worked with someone whom has
done something just so utterly stupid that you didn’t know whether to
laugh or feel sorry for the poor soul.

So for today I think I’ll give you the story of a former co-worker and
his ridiculous thought process and you determine which way you feel
about his asinine action.

I was working as a Security Police Officer on a USAF installation, and
although we were civilians and at the time not considered Sworn
Officers (that would come later with a switch to DOD) we were given a
whole lot of leeway by the local Police Departments. Hell, we wore
uniforms that pretty much mirrored every other PD in the city and with
the exception of the Base shoulder patch it was really hard to tell
the difference. Even our badges were the same as our local
counterparts. Looking back on it I think they gave us the latitude
because of our affiliation with the Government, and Uncle Sam carries
a big stick! Oh, the pay was pretty much on the same level with every
other PD in the area, which didn’t hurt.

As for the job, it was a cake walk. Hell, conducting a traffic stop on
a military base can be dangerous but not nearly as bad as what the
local Pd’s dealt with. Yeah we had domestics and drunken drivers and
such, but all in all it was a great place to work.

Getting back to the story line here, I was walking down the hallway
past the admin offices on my way back to my patrol car and I overheard
the the Chief on his phone and he wasn’t happy. The part I caught was,
“Hell no, we’re not conducting a sting operation in that area or any
area for that matter.” He then ended the conversation with, “Arrest
his ass, and confiscate his badge!”

I hurried out the door and jumped into my patrol car because when he
finished that call I didn’t want to be anywhere in the vicinity.
Someone had really screwed up this time and the last thing I wanted
was to get chewed out for someone elses stupidity.

I didn’t think much more about it and the next day when I returned to
work for briefing you probably could guess what the topic was? That’s
right, and the message was loud and clear. It is no longer permissible
to carry your badge off duty!

Well this just sucked, that badge had gotten many of us into night
clubs, strip joints and other places without having to pay a cover as
well as gotten me for one out of at least two speeding tickets over
the years. We had never really thought anything wrong with it. The key
was to show it but do it with subtlety. You carry a badge holder that
was also a wallet and therefore whenever you had to show ID, you
removed the wallet and at the first sight of the badge it was, “Oh,
don’t worry about paying, come on in.” Thank you very much!

After briefing I went up to one of the supervisors and inquired as to
what exactly had led to this change in policy.

After laughing for a long while, and I mean a long while this is what
he explained to me. One of the officers on his day off had taken his
wife to the hair dresser. Knowing that she would be there for several
hours he decided to drive around looking for something to occupy his
time.

Now most of us in the department probably would have found the closest
firing range and went in and sent a few down range (we all had
concealed permits and most of us carried all the time).

Well not this guy, he wanted to send a few down range but not at the
local range. He drives around and sees this woman standing on the
corner and like an idiot he pulls over and she walks up to the car.
She asks if he’d like a date and he agrees and she gets in the car.
She points him to a alley where they can have some privacy and he does
just that. However, as soon as he parks the car she reaches for what
he thinks is condoms and instead she pulls out a badge! Now the car is
surrounded by several other cops and she says, “Your under arrest for
soliciting prostitution,” without thinking (here I’m giving him the
benefit of the doubt, because up until this time he really hasn’t been
thinking at all) he says to her, “No you’re under arrest we’re running
a sting in this area to stop prostitution”, and he pulls out his badge
to prove it.

This was all about the time I was heading to my patrol car and the
Chief was on the phone, because of course the PD had to check it all
out to see if they could cut the guy some slack as well as show some
professional courtesy. Unfortunately for the officer, or former
officer the Chief wasn’t trying to hear it.

Every time I think about this story I think to myself, “How in the
hell do you get fired on your day off?”

A strange security officer meeting

A strange security officer meeting

[Photo]
I accepted a position as Assistant Director of Security at a Mall on the Las Vegas Strip. I’ve been in security for quit awhile working my way up the ladder and although I’ve had many positions that were challenging, I knew from meeting the first officer at the property this would by far be my biggest challenge.
I pulled up into the parking garage and I called the Director on the phone to inform him that I had arrived. He however was stuck in typical Vegas traffic and informed me that he would be along shortly.
Being my first day I didn’t want to enter the facility until he arrived to introduce me to the troops. I decided to stay in my car for awhile and wait for his arrival. After several minutes I figured I’d get out of the car and walk around the level of the garage I was on just to pass time. I was standing near the ledge of the floor looking out over East Las Vegas toward UNLV when a voice behind me stated, ” It’s not worth it, don’t jump.” I looked back to see a young officer from the property walking toward me. I immediately said that jumping had never occurred to me because life was way too precious to waste. He laughed and we quickly began a conversation.
I asked him how long he’d worked in security and he informed me that he had worked for this particular company for several years. Then without warning he went on to tell me how bad the company was and how he hadn’t been given a pay increase for two years.
I asked him if he’d talked to the Director about the over site? He said that he had but he’d still not received one and that now it didn’t matter because he and his brother were working on a sales business that he knew would get him out of security for good. I wished him well. He still had not asked, nor did he have any idea whom I was and since he was now on a negative roll I wasn’t going to tell him anyway.
He continued on by telling me about his girlfriends, both past and present and how they had cheated on him and so on.
About ten minutes into this conversation I was beginning to second guess my acceptance of the position. I began to make excuses about waiting for my friend and I dropped hints that he should continue on his rounds but nothing seemed to work. He continued to talk and it began to wear on my nerves.
Finally I decided I had by this time enough so I began to walk back towards the sanctity of my car. I told the officer to take care and walked away. Wouldn’t you know it, he followed me, talking the whole way.
By this time I’d heard how lousy the security department and company was, all the way to how lousy his girlfriend and former girlfriends were to how he’d once beat up a co-worker whom had made fun of him.
I politely got into my car, bid him farewell and started the engine. He stood there as if we weren’t finished yet. In the end I had to put the vehicle in gear and drive away as if I were leaving the garage just to get away from him.
I finally settled for a spot on a different floor and although it made my walk to the Security Department a little further away it was worth it to get away from this officer.
A few minutes after I parked the Director called me and asked me to meet him on the floor I had just left. I went to meet him and I told him about my strange encounter with one of the officers and he was laughing so hard I thought he’d pass out. In the middle of the laughter the officer walks around the corner and sees me walking with the Director and he almost shit a brick. He quickly did an about face and scurried off in a different direction. The Director is still laughing and now he’s laughing harder because he already knew whom I was talking about even before the officer changed directions right in front of us. The whole time I’m seriously wondering if I made the right career move. Could you blame me?
The next day I walked into the briefing room and introduced myself to the shift. The officer was there and he looked like he wanted to disappear. I explained how I was, how I operated, what I expected to happen over the next three months and how we would work together to get to know one another.
I then went on to explain how as Security officers we are always to remain professional while on the job. I told them it was not wise to air your company related issues to the general public and that to do so was in violation Company policy per their employee handbook. By this time the employee had that fight or flight look on his face.
I went on to explain that if they had issues with pay or vacation or whatever, for them to talk to their supervisor and if he couldn’t work it out or explain it then he was to come and see me and together we would get the correct answer.
When I left the room I heard laughter which I expected because by then they had all probably heard the story of how the officer was out shooting of his mouth to the new Assistant Director.
I’ve been at the same location now for just under a year and a lot has changed. Stepping into the door there were nine supervisors, currently only two of the original supervisors remain. That’s what generally happens when a new manager steps in and require that you actually earn your pay. People tend to quit. It’s OK though, now other officer have been given the opportunity to step up and they’ve done a fine job.
The officer I met on my first day? He still works for the company, just not at his original location. He’s now at a smaller location to eliminate the amounts of people he can interact with.
The job at this point is rewarding and now fun. It makes me laugh that on the first day I was questioning my decision. I’m really happy I’m here now.

Labels: funny security tales, graveyard shift, Hotel Security, mall security, public safety

Link: http://www.observeandreport.net

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“Observe and Report” the book is on sale now and copies may be obtained thru Amazon, Borders, Barnes and Nobles or observeandreport.net. Get your copy today. The perfect gift for Security, Law Enforcement, Military personnel or the curious reader who just wants to know what goes on behind the scenes. It’s funny, frightening, silly, real and horrific at times but it’s a fast read and keeps you turning the pages. Get your copy today! 

Getting fired for a bad stop in Loss Prevention

There are officers who take too many chances. Instead of seeing all the steps, they’d see one or two, and then they’d make the stop anyway. But eventually, your luck runs out on you.
We had a girl who went into the fitting room to watch a couple of females try on items. While walking out, she noticed another girl in a fitting cubicle, next to theirs, place a dress into her shopping bag.
Now, she thought she had something. When the girl came out, she followed her and when she exited the store, the officer arrested her.
She took the girl to the booking office and, the whole time, the girl was asking, “What the hell is going on?” When they got into the office, she told the girl to remove the dress she just stole while in the fitting room. The girl of course asked, “What dress?”
The officer reached into the bag and pulled out the dress she had seen the suspect place in the bag. Of course, the girl told her the dress belonged to her and that she was trying to match it to something else that she chose not to buy.
The officer became angry and basically chewed the girl out for being a liar. The girl started crying and said she wanted to call her dad. However, the officer was unrelenting. She started to book her for the theft, and because of the price of the dress, it would be a felony.
One of the LP managers walked by and saw this young girl crying, and although that was not uncommon, stopped into the booking office. The manager realized that, for some reason, this girl looked somewhat familiar.
The girl was still pleading to call her father, and since she was a juvenile, we had to contact a parent. The manager asked the girl’s name and when she blurted it out, the manager almost fainted. She stopped the booking process and removed the officer from the room, leaving the girl alone for a few minutes.
In the hallway, the manager asked if the agent had seen all the steps required in making the stop. The officer of course said yes, because even though she didn’t yet know why, she was smart enough to know her job was in danger.
The manager went back into the booking room alone. After a few minutes, the girl handed her the receipt for the dress from her purse. The officer watching through a two way mirror realized this was going to be a problem, but she still had no idea how large this problem was about to become. The manager exited the booking room to give the girl privacy to contact her father.
The manager looked at the officer and said, “Not only does the dress belong to her, but to make matters worse, her father is the vice president of the company that owns all the stores our company has.”
Months later, we were all sitting around clowning. Someone said, “Hey, remember so and so?” That’s what happens to you when you take chances. Months later, officers sit around and ask if anyone remembers you.

A funny but true Security Story

When you first start working for a guard company, they usually send you to different locations until they find one that fits you or one that they have trouble filling.  Unfortunately, most time of the time, it’s the latter of the two.

            During this moving period, you meet some cool people.  I met a fat guy who worked with me at a gated community one night.  He told me all about the company and the good places to ask to work on a permanent basis.  

            They had given me a schedule for the week.  Each day was at a different location, so, I showed it to him and he looked it over.  When he got to my fourth day, he told me he didn’t like that post because it was at a cemetery.  

            He told me the reason they had guards there overnight was, people would steal the flowers from the graves and then resell them.  That’s pretty sad but there are some screwed up people in this world.

            He also told me, on the property at the top of the hill, was a crematory, that the son of the guy who owned it was pretty much a wacko.  He said the son had been seen driving by the guard shack with dead bodies sitting in the front seat, and that was why they had a hard time keeping permanent guards there. 

            By the time he finished his story, I was thinking I’d probably call in sick that day and leave it to someone else to work.  Luckily for me, he told me that, at night, they always had two guards working, instead of one, like the day shift.  Whew!  That was a relief. 

            The day came for me to work at the cemetery and something told me to call in, but it was a new job and my girlfriend was on my case about being responsible.  She also liked teasing me a little about being scared of ghosts and goblins.  So, to prove her wrong, I went to work. 

            I pulled up to the post.  It was well-lit so that made me a little more comfortable.  Also, I thought I’d have someone to work with to make the time go by fast.  I went into the guard shack and the first thing the guard on duty said was, the other guard had called in sick, so, I was going to be working there alone!

             I couldn’t let this guy know that I wasn’t too happy about being at this cemetery all by myself all night.  I couldn’t allow him to question my manhood.  He gave me a quick post briefing and showed me everything I needed to know.  Before he left, I started to feel a little better about the situation.  Then, he informed me that the only person left on the premises was the son of the crematory owner and he’d probably leave in an hour or so.  Damn, I’d gotten so comfortable I’d forgotten about him, now I’d have to worry about this wacko until he left.

            Once the guard I relieved was gone, I turned on the radio and used the phone to call my girl.  There was really nothing to do except to make sure no one entered the grounds until morning when the property opened for business.  Since the post had been started a year earlier, flower thieves had to go elsewhere for merchandise. 

            About an hour into my shift, I heard a car start behind me.  I stepped out and saw the headlights of the only car left turn on.  The son was headed down the hill towards the gate and me.  It’s amazing how much crazy stuff can go through your mind in a matter of seconds when you get a little scared.

            The car came closer to the gate and I positioned myself in front of the guard house in the center of the median so I didn’t look nervous, and, also, I wasn’t too close to the lane where his car was.  As soon as he neared the gate, he slowed down, and when he did, I thought he might say goodnight or something.  When the car moved alongside the guard house, I looked inside and, I swear, all I saw was a female arm.  He was pointing it at me. 

            I screamed like a little girl and hauled ass.  I was running down the street and this guy was following me.  I couldn’t get away fast enough; it was like a bad dream.  There were no other cars coming.  On one side, I had the cemetery and I damn sure was not going to climb the fence and run through there.  So I went full speed down the side of the road. 

             I ran about a half mile until I was exhausted but this guy was still following me.  Finally, I grabbed a big rock because I’d had enough.  When he saw that rock, he stopped the car and opened the door.  I bolted again.  In the distance, I heard someone calling my name.  When I finally got enough nerve to look back, I saw the son and thought he looked kind of familiar.  He kept calling my name, and when I finally recognized his voice, I knew I’d been had. 

             There was no son, and the arm was a mannequin arm.  The culprit was my fat co-worker from a few days before.  I should have hit him with that rock.  Come to find out, his uncle ran the crematory, and, three days a week, he worked for his uncle as a janitor cleaning up the place. 

            He was laughing so hard he couldn’t catch his breath, and I was so pissed I was wishing he’d have a heart attack.  He had tears rolling down his cheeks and, after a while, I laughed too.  On the way back, I was trying to figure out how I could keep his fat ass from ever telling anyone this story. 

When we got back to the gate, the guard I relieved was standing at the gate and before we got out of the car, he, too, burst out laughing.  I found out later that all new hires went through this ritual.  In the end, it wasn’t so bad; hell, later, I helped set people up for their night at the cemetery.