The tale of the $6.00 Security Guard

Once, I worked as a guard for a company that had a Government contract.  It was really easy, but the pay was lousy.   I made $6.00 per hour.  Every day, I’d get the paper when I got off and look for another job.  The guys I worked with thought I was crazy. 

             Late night, we’d stand around and talk.  They were basically happy making peasant wages.  Not me, every night, I’d tell them I was getting out of here the first chance I got. 

            Guys would ask me, “Where you going to go and make more money than this working security?” 

             I’d tell them I was worth more than six bucks; I was going to find a job for at least twice that.  They’d all laugh and say, “There are no $12.00 jobs in security,” and that I should stop dreaming and get back to work.

            Then one morning, just about the same time I got into bed after the night shift, the company I worked for called.  The personnel lady informed me that my security clearance papers hadn’t been filled out properly and they wanted me to come in right then and correct them so they could conduct the background check.

            Now, I’m not a fool; I knew that this clearance was going to cost them at least ten thousand dollars and they wanted to pay me six fucking dollars.  I told the lady that there wasn’t a whole lot I’d do for six dollars, and getting out of bed to drive thirty minutes to fill out a form was one of the things I would not do.  I hung up the phone.

            When I got back to work that night, the supervisor came to me and inquired about the forms.  I told him the same thing I’d told the lady on the phone.  Then the asshole asked me why I had to be so belligerent.  At that moment, I gave my two weeks’ notice. 

              Later, we were outside having our normal talk, and all the other officers again told me there were no twelve dollar jobs, and that the company we worked for was a good company, and that I should go fill out the form and stay. 

               I did my two weeks and told them all to take care; I was going to find me a good paying security job. 

              The next day, I landed a job for $13.00!  I worked for a couple of months and, one day, I was on my way home from work when I decided to stop in and check on my old friends.  I pulled up and they all came out and asked how things were going. 

               I explained how I had landed a new job and what it paid.  They all got excited and I told them that there were no more thirteen dollar jobs, I got the last one.  Before I left, I also informed them I was waiting on my weapons permit and that I was in line for another job that paid eighteen dollars an hour.  They almost went into shock.  I laughed all the way home.

               Several months later, after I had started working my new job, I dropped by to check on them again.  This time, I was driving a shiny new 300ZX.  I pulled up and they didn’t have a clue who the fuck I was.  They all stood there looking to see who was in the car.

           I got out and they almost fainted.  I told them about my latest job and its eighteen dollar pay, and they almost shit.  They wanted to know how they could get a position at the new place. “Sorry,” I told them, “they have no more eighteen dollar positions.  I got the last one.” 

            But, before I left, I couldn’t help but explain to them about the new position I had accepted.  I’d taken a position overseas that paid a whopping seventy thousand dollars!  They couldn’t believe it. 

            The moral to this story is, if you feel like six bucks is all you’re worth, then six dollars is all you’ll ever get.

“Observe and Report” Book Trailer

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“When asked how did I created such an interesting book about Security, I simply tell people… I took the approach of creating a car wreck. Everyone looks as they pass by (rubbernecking), to recreate this effect for Security I removed the mundane from the job and let the officers tell about the exciting and interesting events of their profession. Events that contain humor, drama, excitement, horror and humility. The readers of my book love this, short to the point stories that keep you entertained. Most readers say that once they pick this book up they simply cannot put it down.” M. Oden

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“Observe and Report” the book is on sale now and copies may be obtained thru Amazon, Borders, Barnes and Nobles or observeandreport.net. Get your copy today. The perfect gift for Security, Law Enforcement, Military personnel or the curious reader who just wants to know what goes on behind the scenes. It’s funny, frightening, silly, real and horrific at times but it’s a fast read and keeps you turning the pages. Get your copy today! 

Getting fired for a bad stop in Loss Prevention

There are officers who take too many chances. Instead of seeing all the steps, they’d see one or two, and then they’d make the stop anyway. But eventually, your luck runs out on you.
We had a girl who went into the fitting room to watch a couple of females try on items. While walking out, she noticed another girl in a fitting cubicle, next to theirs, place a dress into her shopping bag.
Now, she thought she had something. When the girl came out, she followed her and when she exited the store, the officer arrested her.
She took the girl to the booking office and, the whole time, the girl was asking, “What the hell is going on?” When they got into the office, she told the girl to remove the dress she just stole while in the fitting room. The girl of course asked, “What dress?”
The officer reached into the bag and pulled out the dress she had seen the suspect place in the bag. Of course, the girl told her the dress belonged to her and that she was trying to match it to something else that she chose not to buy.
The officer became angry and basically chewed the girl out for being a liar. The girl started crying and said she wanted to call her dad. However, the officer was unrelenting. She started to book her for the theft, and because of the price of the dress, it would be a felony.
One of the LP managers walked by and saw this young girl crying, and although that was not uncommon, stopped into the booking office. The manager realized that, for some reason, this girl looked somewhat familiar.
The girl was still pleading to call her father, and since she was a juvenile, we had to contact a parent. The manager asked the girl’s name and when she blurted it out, the manager almost fainted. She stopped the booking process and removed the officer from the room, leaving the girl alone for a few minutes.
In the hallway, the manager asked if the agent had seen all the steps required in making the stop. The officer of course said yes, because even though she didn’t yet know why, she was smart enough to know her job was in danger.
The manager went back into the booking room alone. After a few minutes, the girl handed her the receipt for the dress from her purse. The officer watching through a two way mirror realized this was going to be a problem, but she still had no idea how large this problem was about to become. The manager exited the booking room to give the girl privacy to contact her father.
The manager looked at the officer and said, “Not only does the dress belong to her, but to make matters worse, her father is the vice president of the company that owns all the stores our company has.”
Months later, we were all sitting around clowning. Someone said, “Hey, remember so and so?” That’s what happens to you when you take chances. Months later, officers sit around and ask if anyone remembers you.

A funny but true Security Story

When you first start working for a guard company, they usually send you to different locations until they find one that fits you or one that they have trouble filling.  Unfortunately, most time of the time, it’s the latter of the two.

            During this moving period, you meet some cool people.  I met a fat guy who worked with me at a gated community one night.  He told me all about the company and the good places to ask to work on a permanent basis.  

            They had given me a schedule for the week.  Each day was at a different location, so, I showed it to him and he looked it over.  When he got to my fourth day, he told me he didn’t like that post because it was at a cemetery.  

            He told me the reason they had guards there overnight was, people would steal the flowers from the graves and then resell them.  That’s pretty sad but there are some screwed up people in this world.

            He also told me, on the property at the top of the hill, was a crematory, that the son of the guy who owned it was pretty much a wacko.  He said the son had been seen driving by the guard shack with dead bodies sitting in the front seat, and that was why they had a hard time keeping permanent guards there. 

            By the time he finished his story, I was thinking I’d probably call in sick that day and leave it to someone else to work.  Luckily for me, he told me that, at night, they always had two guards working, instead of one, like the day shift.  Whew!  That was a relief. 

            The day came for me to work at the cemetery and something told me to call in, but it was a new job and my girlfriend was on my case about being responsible.  She also liked teasing me a little about being scared of ghosts and goblins.  So, to prove her wrong, I went to work. 

            I pulled up to the post.  It was well-lit so that made me a little more comfortable.  Also, I thought I’d have someone to work with to make the time go by fast.  I went into the guard shack and the first thing the guard on duty said was, the other guard had called in sick, so, I was going to be working there alone!

             I couldn’t let this guy know that I wasn’t too happy about being at this cemetery all by myself all night.  I couldn’t allow him to question my manhood.  He gave me a quick post briefing and showed me everything I needed to know.  Before he left, I started to feel a little better about the situation.  Then, he informed me that the only person left on the premises was the son of the crematory owner and he’d probably leave in an hour or so.  Damn, I’d gotten so comfortable I’d forgotten about him, now I’d have to worry about this wacko until he left.

            Once the guard I relieved was gone, I turned on the radio and used the phone to call my girl.  There was really nothing to do except to make sure no one entered the grounds until morning when the property opened for business.  Since the post had been started a year earlier, flower thieves had to go elsewhere for merchandise. 

            About an hour into my shift, I heard a car start behind me.  I stepped out and saw the headlights of the only car left turn on.  The son was headed down the hill towards the gate and me.  It’s amazing how much crazy stuff can go through your mind in a matter of seconds when you get a little scared.

            The car came closer to the gate and I positioned myself in front of the guard house in the center of the median so I didn’t look nervous, and, also, I wasn’t too close to the lane where his car was.  As soon as he neared the gate, he slowed down, and when he did, I thought he might say goodnight or something.  When the car moved alongside the guard house, I looked inside and, I swear, all I saw was a female arm.  He was pointing it at me. 

            I screamed like a little girl and hauled ass.  I was running down the street and this guy was following me.  I couldn’t get away fast enough; it was like a bad dream.  There were no other cars coming.  On one side, I had the cemetery and I damn sure was not going to climb the fence and run through there.  So I went full speed down the side of the road. 

             I ran about a half mile until I was exhausted but this guy was still following me.  Finally, I grabbed a big rock because I’d had enough.  When he saw that rock, he stopped the car and opened the door.  I bolted again.  In the distance, I heard someone calling my name.  When I finally got enough nerve to look back, I saw the son and thought he looked kind of familiar.  He kept calling my name, and when I finally recognized his voice, I knew I’d been had. 

             There was no son, and the arm was a mannequin arm.  The culprit was my fat co-worker from a few days before.  I should have hit him with that rock.  Come to find out, his uncle ran the crematory, and, three days a week, he worked for his uncle as a janitor cleaning up the place. 

            He was laughing so hard he couldn’t catch his breath, and I was so pissed I was wishing he’d have a heart attack.  He had tears rolling down his cheeks and, after a while, I laughed too.  On the way back, I was trying to figure out how I could keep his fat ass from ever telling anyone this story. 

When we got back to the gate, the guard I relieved was standing at the gate and before we got out of the car, he, too, burst out laughing.  I found out later that all new hires went through this ritual.  In the end, it wasn’t so bad; hell, later, I helped set people up for their night at the cemetery.